Love and Other Drugs

Holding your child for the first time is one of the greatest joys that a parent can have. Waiting until that child is more than three weeks old, only compounds that joy. It was simply the most peaceful and amazing moment of my life. I felt my worries and fears for his life and even his struggles become at ease even  if just for moment. And in that moment, I simply became lost--lost in his scent--lost in his breath upon my chest as his hand caressed it ever so softly. It was if I had met him for the first time and yet I had always known him. We were destined to meet--our lives would forever be entwined. I would forever love this person. 

As I sat in the waiting room one evening, hoping to be able to hold him again, I read an article about a newly released movie (hence the title of this specific post). While the movie has absolutely nothing to do with my experience, it's title rings true in a way. As I was finally allowed to see Jaden that evening, I was told that I would not be able to hold him. He had just been bathed and would need to stay incubated to keep his body temperature up. Instantly, I became disappointed and, quite honestly, mad.  How could this woman tell me that I could not hold my baby? Had she not heard me all day talking about it? Had she not seen the smile on my face in anticipation ? Did she not understand that I needed this? --Of course she knew how important this was for me, but her concern is for the care of my son. 

And that is when it occurred to me. Holding Jaden has become my drug. I constantly look forward to getting my next fix of him. As I hold him I am complete--I am, in a way, high. The moment he goes back into his isolet, I wonder when I will get to hold him again. I begin to "jones" for him the way a drug addict does for their next high. While there aren't any physical signs of withdrawal, there are emotional ones. I'm curious to know if the mothers of full term babies feel this same way, yet they just don't have the chance to realize it because they're constantly getting their "fix".