It is not something I can afford to have during this experience. Holding onto moments of envy will only make it harder to get through this journey. By nature, I am not a jealous woman. I'm not saying that I don't have passing moments of jealousy, because I absolutely do. I just refuse to let those moments dictate my life beyond that fleeting second. However, last night, that "fleeting second" took much longer to pass by.
I've yet to hold my baby in my arms. I see other women holding their children and I think, "wow, I can't wait until it's my turn." Until recently, Jaden has been the smallest baby in the NICU. The babies who were held by their mothers were older and weighed more than he did, so it didn't really bother me that they could be held. It seemed like a right of passage in a way. These mothers had put in their time, anxiously waiting for a time when they could place their child on their chest, feel his (they were all boys) breath on their skin, and gain some sense of control over the situation they were placed into. I looked up to these women, in the same way that a Freshman might revere a Senior in high school.
My adorable Jaden is getting closer to weighing two pounds everyday. His health is still shaky and, of course, he has his good and bad days like we all do, but overall he is trending in the right direction. There is now a baby who barely weighs over a pound--much smaller than Jaden was when he was born. She is only two days old--and yet, her mother will get to hold her today. TODAY. And while, I want every mother to lovingly hold her children, I cannot help but feel envious for longer than a fleeting second.
And eventually it does pass, and I am reminded that God has put Jaden and I on a different journey AND that when I am able to hold him in my arms every moment of jealous will be forgotten. How could I feel anything, but total bliss, when I am finally able to hold my precious child.
I've yet to hold my baby in my arms. I see other women holding their children and I think, "wow, I can't wait until it's my turn." Until recently, Jaden has been the smallest baby in the NICU. The babies who were held by their mothers were older and weighed more than he did, so it didn't really bother me that they could be held. It seemed like a right of passage in a way. These mothers had put in their time, anxiously waiting for a time when they could place their child on their chest, feel his (they were all boys) breath on their skin, and gain some sense of control over the situation they were placed into. I looked up to these women, in the same way that a Freshman might revere a Senior in high school.
My adorable Jaden is getting closer to weighing two pounds everyday. His health is still shaky and, of course, he has his good and bad days like we all do, but overall he is trending in the right direction. There is now a baby who barely weighs over a pound--much smaller than Jaden was when he was born. She is only two days old--and yet, her mother will get to hold her today. TODAY. And while, I want every mother to lovingly hold her children, I cannot help but feel envious for longer than a fleeting second.
And eventually it does pass, and I am reminded that God has put Jaden and I on a different journey AND that when I am able to hold him in my arms every moment of jealous will be forgotten. How could I feel anything, but total bliss, when I am finally able to hold my precious child.
my dear sweet child God will give that moment of total bliss...the sheer joy of holding your child close to you nuturing him, loving him, and watching him grow...our little Jaden just needs a little more time babygirl...I am so anixous myself to hold my dear grandson that I have waited for ....
ReplyDelete