Permission Granted

One of the hardest things for me throughout this experience, is that I have no sense of control over the situation. The day to day events of a child's life are generally controlled by their mothers. This is not true for mothers of NICU babies. To date, I have made no choices in Jaden's life and I have very little rights where his care is concerned. As a mother, I often feel like a child or that I'm in the way. I have to ask for permission to hold him, permission to change his diaper, permission to bathe him. My whole day's happiness is based on the answers to these requests. A simple yes can make me smile--make the annoyance of it all fade slightly. But a "no"--well, that can crush me! I very much look forward to a day when I get to hold him as often and for as long as I desire; that my arms and heart are content from his presence. I want my arms to tire from his weight. I want to be the first to see his face in the morning and to be the one who calms him throughout the night. As of yet, this is not my role in Jaden's life. And while I'm so grateful for the great nurses we've had, I am ready to be his caretaker. I'm ready to be the one who wipes his tears, who settles him, who knows him best and sees him most! I'm ready to really be his mom!