When you fall off a horse....

There's something to be said about the magic of holding your child. In those moments, true healing occurs. It is healing that begins with your extreme tiredness and works its way through your life to your childhood. Holding Jaden, when things go right, is magical--his life so tiny and precious in my hands. However, having a severely pre-mature baby doesn't always allow for those moments to exist. Not only does it limit how often I get to hold him, but things can sometimes go wrong during those holds. To date I've held him four times. Three of those times embraced that healing power; beginning to erase the struggle the past 6 weeks have brought me. However, our holds have not always brought peace to my soul.

Jaden had stopped breathing and started to turn red during one of our holds. I called for the nurse as I stroked his back and gently shook him to restart his breath. I did everything they've told me to do, yet he would not breathe. His bronchi had clamped down on his tube so even it was not providing breaths properly. By the time the staff put their gowns and gloves on and moved him back into the bed, he was purple and not moving. My heart sank and tears streamed from my face. I was frozen in a horrible moment of time. Stabilizing him took only a minute or two, but watching the nurses work on him felt like a lifetime. And immediately, I felt guilt. How could I do this to my child? Was my selfishness in wanting to hold him the reason for this--was he just not ready, not big enough, not strong enough? How could I hold him again, if I were just going to hurt him? 

And that's just it. None of this is my fault, which is actually hard for me to admit. Jaden is a premature child--too premature!! He's going to have these spells whether I hold him or not, so why shouldn't I hold him? So yesterday, I got back on that horse I'd fallen off of and I again held my child. And the magic re-entered our relationship and I began to heal again.

Moreover, I have to remember that it's not my fault. 

It's not my fault. 

It's not my fault....